New Blog Link

For those of you who were following here but felt I had stopped blogged here's the latest link.  I've gone through a few quiet phases since this whole thing began back at NY 2009 and a lot has happened since then.  Keep following:

http://ser3ndipity3.blogspot.co.uk/

Perseverence

perseverance

pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/

noun

1. 1.

   persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

   "medicine is a field which requires dedication and perseverance"

   synonyms:

   persistence, tenacity, determination, resolve, resolution, resoluteness,staying power, purposefulness, firmness of purpose; More

I feel like a potato.  I'm versatile, liked by most and a great all rounder but not exactly the most exotic or interesting looking.  I can be chopped up, diced into little pieces, mashed, bashed and dissected but at the end of the day, however small the fragments are... A potato to the end.  Strong and proud and never to be underestimated.

2013 was the year I felt great things were lined up in the Universe for me. The year with the unlucky number attached.  Perfect for this chick.  It seems however that life was set to conspire against me, lure me into a false sense of security and then create a web so complex and dark that up becomes down and East becomes West.

I have no such hopes for 2014 and so here I am, a simple potato only this time I won't be blindsided.

No job, No money, No guy, No security and No prospects, but the last trumps them all... No plans to give up.

I will see you 2013 and I will raise you the remaining months of 2014.  I am going to step up, beat down the bullshit and take you down and I am going to blog my stubborn, creative, bruised but not yet broken ass during the process. 

New attitude.  New URL.

Link to be posted later today.

Perseverance - Terrorvision
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Stolen Privacy & Blog Longing

In the last month there have been a heap of times when I've wanted to post on here, I've opened my laptop, signed in, clicked 'new' and then have decided against it.  101 topics have been flowing through my mind, most of which interesting and yet somehow I've not been able to click the buttons and write the page.  I wasn't sure why but then it hit me.

When I started this blog it was a release.  An unknown page where I could vent and release all my thoughts, feelings, laughs, worries and insights to an unknown crowd without being judged.  Putting your heart and soul out there for the world to see isn't an easy feat and so while my location, face and name have never been disclosed, the content of these pages have been nothing if not brutally honest.  A place where I can show my many faces without worrying what people think.

The thing is... A while ago, that release was breached.  My little piece of sanity in this world was tracked down, scrolled through and wolfed down by someone in my day-to-day life. Someone who knew I had the blog and despite knowing what pleasure it gave me to submerge my innermost thoughts into the world anonymously, how it helped me cope, and made me smile, they decided to steal it.  They stole the hiding place for my words and in doing so took my go-to place.  My safe haven.

I was in one of the deepest darkest places I've ever been in 2009 when I scrawled my first page and the whole thing has been the biggest form of free therapy a 21st century chick could ask for.  The question is can I bring myself to continue... knowing that this person; someone from my real-world, a thief, who wasn't invited into this realm of reality, could at any given time find and read my inner most thoughts is disgusting to me. 

I'm torn.  

I'm at a point in my life when I feel waffling on about nonsense with the occasional blurb about how I'm feeling is just what the Dr ordered and is exactly what I need right now.  Especially knowing that some of you have been with me on my journey since it started and I really enjoy getting your messages and comments; but I hate that in doing so I'm opening myself up to someone else without invitation.  OOJ told me he would never read my blog after he found it and I wanted to believe him but realistically I've written very little since.  Do I throw it all away and start again, saying goodbye to Ser3ndipity and all of you...?  Or do I leave myself open in a way that no-one ever does to the people in their lives?  

In an ideal world we all know that if you found somebodies diary you should leave the pages unturned, but how many of us could resist.

I miss my blog and I hate that someone took it away from me.

Gabrielle Aplin - Salvation
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22 Days and Counting

My life has gone horribly wrong.  Things couldn't be on the downturn anymore if they tried.  

Despite applying for 387 jobs and counting and having attended in excess of 60 interviews at various stages, this morning I opened the mail and received 2 more 'unsuccessful' responses and keeping me at 0 offers.  Positive thinking can only carry you so far before you being to question your very ability and once that happens of course you are going to be useless.

I thought I was one more rejection away from popping when I interviewed for a position this last Monday.  I fell in love with the company over the course of interviews and was certain that I had sold myself as well as possible at the final stage.  Yet... I opened a crisp white envelope this morning telling me yet again that I have somehow fallen short of the grade.

I haven't blogged in a while as I felt with health things and boy things and job things... THINGS!  I really needed to concentrate on lining my ducks up, but it appears that concentrating my efforts in a productive manner hasn't aided me one iota and so I quit.  

I quit being stressed, I quit getting my hopes up when I make it to the final stage for the 30th time, and I quit thinking that I'm a good person and so something is waiting for me around the corner.  That student loan I can't afford to pay back will just have to wait.  The student overdraft that has now become a noose around my head charging me £1 a day to be sat in it with no escape and the pending knowledge that my non existent credit score (you don't get credit if you have never borrowed) is about to be crushed into nothingness as the debt gets passed elsewhere... well... There is fuck all I can do about it and so why let it make me sick. 

This last 7 days worrying and stressing in between applying for things.  I've number crunched, applied, interviewed, presented, chased up, schmoozed, number crunched some more and there are no two ways about it.  My rent bills and council tax are higher than my in-comings.  I can't get a job either permanent or temporary despite my skills and my consistent chasing up of agencies and applications online and in person (yes I have walked round places) and despite the fact I felt that things in life this disastrous only really happened to 'other people' who really didn't want to work and contribute to society anyway.  It appears.  I am about to get a giant spoon of reality.

In 22 days I shall be homeless.  Let that sink in.  

Homeless.  Me.  A 20 something year old with skills and a want to work. 

Jobless.  Penniless.  Homeless.  Hopeless.  Helpless.  Fuck.

I can't afford my rent/bills and moving out of this place means applying for another with no income is impossible through any agency or private letting person.  Council properties aren't available to me as there are waiting lists and I'm not considered a 'priority' and while there are a few couches I could surf, I am not going to put myself in a position where I am a burden to any of my friends.  The saving grace here is that mum is financially stable and won't be affected by it all.  

So no.  Today and quite possibly tomorrow I shall be getting my head out of this awful awful place and try and think of a creative solution to my problems.  Surely there has to be work out there for someone who wants to work.  Overqualified and Under qualified seems to be kicking the crap outta me at the moment but there must be a work around.  I'm a smart girl and this entire disaster must be avoidable.  Yes.  I just need to work out what I've missed.

Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
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