Juxtaposition

As of 8:58pm this evening I'm officially single again.

I'm pretty numb about it all.  There is some serious irony to be found in that choice of wording.

In the end it was a particularly short exchange via text message (the Cherry comfort zone), and something that formed out of mutual understanding.  I need things he was unable to give and he needs to sort out his space before anyone will be able to step into that part of his life.  

If all realisations were reached this quickly... 

I shed a single tear (equally I appreciate the weirdness here),  Both eyes filled but only one trickled down my cheek, fat, hot and salty.

I know it was the right thing... I know it was better sooner than later... I know I'm meant for better things... I deserve better things...  When?

James Vincent Morrow - We Don't Eat

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Lines & Grooves

When I was young I had a friend called (ummm Willow) we went through a phase of spending most weekends together doing early-teenager things; hair, makeup, talking about boys.  One day, we were painting each others nails I think and I remember looking at Willow's hands and realising they were just like an old persons underneath - a myriad of lines and grooves and indents.

I remember commenting on it and Willow's great aunt telling us when we are put on this planet we are sent to learn a host of important lessons before we leave our bodies and move on to the next world. Sounds like the response you've heard a hundred times before right?  Wrong.  She then went on to tell us that because most people make mistakes along the way and miss some of the most important lessons, we often die because our bodies have become old before we have reached the end of our journey and so our souls are sent back to continue from the start - as a child.  She said the lines on a persons hand show how many lessons they have learnt and the depth of the groove how long they have been on the journey.

As you know I'm not really into religion, but I really like the theory.  It is simple, makes sense and I guess in a round about way would somehow rationalise why some people leave this world so young.  I mean, if you have ticked off all your lessons to go to the 'next stage' then why stick around.

I feel I'm at a point in my life where I keep going round and round the same lesson but for some reason keep missing the point.

Over the last few days I've had an insight into Cherry's head and I think I've somehow ended up with another guy with a broken wing.  Cherry has had a lot to contend with the last few years, his dad works away from home a lot, his mum has had a battle with cancer and he has had a few challenges of his own on the career front (the same as many people).  The thing is, Cherry said a phrase to me the other day that sent alarm bells going in my head at like 100-1 and I really don't know what to do about it.  

The phrase... 'I'm just a bit numb with everything at the moment'  The panic... It is a phrase I recognise really well as one that marked everything that signposted things with me and Mr X were never going to be right.  

I've spent a lot of time these last few years 'fixing people' and the last few months really trying to break the habit of a lifetime... What should I do with this information?  

I spend enough time keeping my own life on track and my head in the right space, I really don't have the energy to help someone else to get to the same place, or the stability to risk having someone knock it all down like a house of cards.  I'm essentially a girl who paints on an external face and covers cracks  on the inside.  The last three people to comment on my personality unprompted have used the words 'upbeat, smiley, positive, active, spontaneous'... I remember because it made me smile and simultaneously cringe.  I clearly do a great job with my hall of mirrors and no-one sees me as a bird with a broken wing.  The thing is... That also kinda means no-one will ever fix me.  Although there are worse things in this world than having to face it head on and solo.  I'm thinking perhaps one of those things might be pulling a sidekick along with you.  There are plenty of journeys in life that should be shared, but I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed one of them.  Cherry needs to walk his road alone and I need to get the hell outta there.

When I look at my hands there are definitely a few lines and grooves a little  different and deeper than perhaps those on someone elses, and I'm pretty sure some of them are meant to involve someone else... You can't fall in love and have your heart broken by yourself, but I think if you are going to step into someone else's 'hand space', it needs to be someone special, and someone you love because if you aren't careful, you could get dragged down a crevice, and that isn't a risk you should take for just anyone.

This all feels somehow so familiar, and yet I feel there is some underlying message I should be but am not picking up on.  Either way, I can think of nothing more I would rather do right now than pack up, jump on a bus and keep going.

Gareth Dunlop - Wrap Your Arms Around Me

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Does Size Matter?

Does size matter..?

It is a question that has multiple meanings.  For women it is all about body size and shape and for men, well its more of a length/girth thing.  Either way the answer is always the same.  Yes.

I was picking up a prescription yesterday afternoon and overheard a conversation between two guys in their mid 20s.  They had been at a party a few nights before and some dude they know had decided to go all 1999 on their ass, pull out his cock and do a victory lap around the living room.  It appears the guy in question was hung like a donkey and as such the guys were having the 'have you measured yours' conversation.  To be honest this was a bit of a revelation to me as I had assumed that all men would have grabbed a tape measure or a ruler at some point (I mean I would if I was a bloke) but the words that came out of one of the guys lips next had me chuckling to myself most of last night.

"I have never taken a tape measure to my penis but have weighed it up against household objects... So no, I don't know the size of my penis, but what I do know is that it reaches the mute button on the remote control"

Utter genius!

As I've mentioned I think size absolutely matters, but that as with everything in life, all is relative.  A small penis in a tight vagina - it could be a perfect match?  I think for some girls, girth is more important (perhaps the slightly larger among us), and for others length takes on a more prominent feature.   Being a 21st century girl I've seen my fair share of penises on a personal level, however having trained as a nurse years ago that figure is through the roof and let me tell you... There is a whole world of variation out there.  Short, long, thin, fat, bent, bulbous, veiny, freckled, circumcised, pierced etc.  I have to say though, overall for me, it is the aesthetic element that seems to take highest priority.  

Girth isn't such a huge factor.  I've been doing pelvic floor muscles since I learnt their potential future value (not all sexual I hasten to add) watching euro trash when I was 14 or 15 so I have no worries in my 'size' department.  Circumcision again isn't so much of an issue as I've 'made friends' with both types and while a girl needs a differing set of skills for each... I really don't have a preference.  Length wise, I'm sure there is such a thing as too short but then again there is such a thing as too long (I might tell you about my experience with both in tomorrow's blog), but if you really care for a guy these can work given a few tweaks in the sexual position department.  For me, what really matters for me however is the rest.  I'm not a fan of kinks, bends, or mushroom type penis', large or saggy testicles, and if it isn't sticking to your stomach when it's hard (and yes this means when you are standing up... laying down and answering that question is cheating)... You aren't the guy for me.  Equally if you don't preen your boys bits, expect me to award you a 'must try harder' (excuse the pun) - If I am tending to my lady garden to make any experiences pleasurable for you, I most definitely expect the same in return. Then again, at least that is something that can easily be altered dependent on personal preference.  

So to summarise... Does size matter?  Yes, but not half as much as style ;P

Daft Punk - Get Lucky
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Wondering

A few things this last couple of days have had me really wonder about the Cherry situation... 

Is this the right guy for me?
Was I ready?
Am I ready?
Will I ever BE ready?
Are we right for each other?
Is he right for me?
Beyond the sexual is there anything there?
Is he too... bleugh?
Surely someone more spontaneous is better for me?
Is what I'm looking for something that I could never find?
How into me is Cherry?
Why is he so closed in some respects?
Is he feeling the same?
Will it last?
Do I want it to last?
Should I split up with him?
Would he care?
Would be be better as FBs?
Is that something he would want?
Will I always second guess myself in this way?
Have I been hurt so much nothing will ever be right?
Could Cherry hurt me?
Do I like him enough?
What made me tell him my secret?
Why is it that since then he seems to have shown a more loving side?
Is Cherry as f*cked up as I am?
Hmmm...

I Need You - James Newton Howard Ft. Vonda Shepard
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Just Like The Movies

I've been applying for jobs and working my ass off this week so I'm soooo glad it is the weekend.  I have zero funds and no plans so in comparison to last weekend I think it might be a quiet one, but I have to say... I'm looking forward to it.

The last few weeks have been filled with drama, stress and people so I think a weekend of Ser3ndipity time might be just what the doctor ordered.  Anyway, enough about the 'normal' and time to tell you about the fun things I've been up to this last week.

Girls night last Friday was a mixture of embarrassment, giggles, drunkenness, excess, honesty, and annoyance...

I picked Clio up early evening and as soon as we planted our bums on my sofas, the wine was opened and the conversation flowing.  Luckily I had wine on the rack as I had popped to the supermarket on the way to pick Clio up and was refused alcohol as they felt I was 'too young'.  It was a bitter sweet pill to swallow as I had a major hankering for the specific bottle of red I had picked out and yet to be told I look 13 years younger than I am... blissful!

Clio told me all about this new guy she has met a couple of times from the internet - 13yrs older than she is, owns two businesses and has definitely lived a full life up until now (marriage, kids and some seriously interesting life twists).  I've a feeling she might be seeing this one a little while and had been SOLD that he might actually be worth her time until mid-evening when he called.  Clio had told him that she was meeting me and I believe they have had a couple of conversations in which I have cropped up so of course the guy is a little curious.  He had sent Clio a couple of texts as we were munching our takeout and putting the world to rights - no biggie!  But to call when he knows that she is on a 'girls night' and they aren't even dating... Pissed me off.  Of course I told Clio to answer if she wanted and before I knew it Ante (this is what we are going to call him) was on speakerphone and I was asking him a few questions... the kind that a sharpened tongue might throw out, I mean WTF... Get back in your box!  Its girls night!

I think Ante managed to steal at least 30mins of our evening before Clio recognised that I was becoming thoroughly annoyed at the situation and put it to an end.  Don't get me wrong bloggers, I am all for a potential new boy making sure he is never far from your mind... but to call!?!  Outrageous.

By the time Ante was off the phone I had entered the world of excess and was on 5th glass of wine, 4th slice of pizza, and was officially cruising the land of the drunken; so I just threw it out there 'Were you serious about wanting some help with this oral sex, handjob thing'... Clio's face was bright red with embarrassment before she managed to mumble out the words 'yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm crap at it'.

Welcome the transformation from 'normal girls night' into 'the kind of girls nights that guys imagine/we see in the movies'... Hello dildo's!

The next hour or so was filled with giggles and probably one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with someone I've not known since high-school.  Clio fully embraced 'the lesson' and I was left feeling like some kind of phallic superhero.  Don't get me wrong bloggers... Through the years I've pretty much worked out that in terms of pleasing a guy in that way I knock most women out of the water, but to actually encounter what other women have thought was a great way to tough a guy or give oral sex... eye opening!  I'm pretty sure Clio took on board a few things, and she did seem to have a slightly improved technique by the time she had left but it has left me pondering something...

Are all women this shocking at oral sex and hand-jobs?  And, is there a niche market out there to be filled in terms of some kind of adult sex education master class?  (What do you think?)

On a side note... Things are most definitely not one sided in the bedroom department with Cherry.  Maybe we should team up and conquer the world adult sex class style

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How Many Licks - Lil Kim Ft Sisqo

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Lip Gloss Gossip

I am soooo in need of a girls night tonight! 

A couple of hours ago I was pretty sure something had come up as Clio had fallen off the radar which is unusual for her as she is a phone addict (has 2 and is on them alllll the time); but I have just been informed that we are good to go.

• Decent bottle of red (for me) - Check
  
• Bottle of rose (I've no idea what is decent there as it all tastes awful to me) for Clio - Check
• Malteasers & Aero bubbles - Check
• Gin & Vodka (just in case) - Check
• Face masks - Check
• Hair straighteners & makeup on standby (we shall be trying out a few new looks) - Check
• Two dildo's - Check
• New top I've bought for Clio as a surprise (she needs cheering up) - Check
• Nail polish & fluffy socks (ohhhh yeah) - Check
• Takeaway menu's - Check

If you were reading properly and didn't just skip that list 'because lists are boring' you will know that tomorrow's blog might be one to watch out for.  Yes... Clio now back in the dating world and following a rather clunky bedroom experience is feeling a little un-confident when it comes to certain aspects of new relationships so tonight we are going to be partaking in a glass or two of wine while I bring her up to speed.  Who knows... I might pick up a few new tips of my own ;)

Through The Glass - Stone Sour

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Here Comes The Boom

Sometimes life is really a challenge and at the moment it feels like life is standing around each corner with a plank of 2 by 4 ready to smack me in the face at every single opportunity.  Well screw you life!  I've never been the type of girl to give in and I don't intend to start now.  

Let me break it down for you...

MONEY

Basically I have none.  My bank account is in an eternal state of 'overdraft' so essentially not only do I not have money, but the cash I do have is already someone elses.  While I only own one credit card and I have less than £100 on there, the bills are rolling in. 

• I clearly decided I needed to be 'too warm' over the winter months and  so despite paying a hefty set amount to my energy supplier every month as this has previously enabled me to keep a rolling credit, this time around I actually owe them money.  The same goes for lighting... apparently my dislike of living in the dark is an expensive one.
• My car swallowed my entire bonus and despite an unexpected gesture from my brother who covered the entire cost of one repair, I am still in the land of 'recovery' and need to find another £400 I don't have to clear the insurance.
• Bridesmaid duties are stealing my cash and my time and due to a change in plans by Herb and bridesmaid #2, rather than them come here next month I now need to visit them again so hello to 2 flights, 4 bus tickets, 4 train tickets and the other chunk of cash I will need to be all 'ooo weddings'.  The hen weekend deposits, etc have also been a challenge.

So enough of that... I have no cash.  You've got it.  Simples.

LURRRVE

I've no idea where my head is at with Cherry.  

• Last week we hadn't seen each other for a while and our sexual tension had built up to breaking point.  Last weekend we met and rather than go into details I'll tell you all you need to know to jump to the right conclusions...  Cherry came over at 4ish, I answered the door wearing lingerie, Cherry left shattered the following morning as he had sports team training and I spent the next two days feeling like I'd gone three rounds with Nicola Adams.
• Since then we have both had a mega cold so between that and some intensity over the weekend I think we are both a little bit lost.

WORK

• The company I currently work for is at the start of an outsourcing deal.  I can't say much more at this point as with my position I know more than I really should, but the bottom line is - If I didn't need a career before, I certainly need a new job now.
• Application wise I seem to be applying like a mofo and getting nowhere.  I'm starting to appreciate that in this climate it isn't WHAT you know but WHO you know and unfortunately as a girl from a rough council estate with her roots set firmly in the lower class... I KNOW... NOONE!

FACEBOOK

• To Facebook or Not To Facebook... The jury is back.  We facebooked.

COMING UP...

Friday: I'm meeting Clio for a girls night (I'll tell you more about it tomorrow), it is sure to make for one interesting blog so watch this space.  I'm also set to go to the GUM clinic tomorrow to get my annual female MOT and to have my IUD removed - better decide now if I'm going to have a replacement in or am going to opt for something hormone based (urgh).

Saturday:  Hopefully meeting Red in the morning for coffee and a catchup then  it will be an afternoon of housework before meeting Cherry for dinner and a gig.

Sunday:  I've work but I shall be utilising the company printer to get 30 copies of my CV printed for next week when I fully intend to get suited up and head out knocking on the RIGHT doors in the hopes of securing a position.  Applying for advertised roles is clearly not working for me so it is time the up the ante.

Here Comes The Boom - P.O.D

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