To Facebook or not To Facebook

That my bloggers, is the question.  At least in the modern world.

As you know, I'm a bit of a Facebook addict.  I'm not someone who logs in to play games (in fact send me an invite to play candy crush or farmville more than once, and you are likely to either be deleted as a friend or at the very least removed from my news feed), or posts on a daily basis (maybe once or twice a week), but I do click the app on my phone at least three to four times a day to see what people are up to and to check out any interesting links/music.  I basically have a mini snoop.

I joined Facebook perhaps mid way through the revolution back in 2007 as Mr X kept singing its praises compared to my 'childish' sites such as MySpace and Bebo.  At first I hated it, you couldn't customise anything, nothing much seemed to happen, and the only people I had as friends were those that lived in the states.  A few years later and I actually know a couple of people with two accounts!  (Come to think of it, so do I... One for this blog and another for me). You meet someone new at work... they send you a request.  You go on a date... they send you a request.  You get chatting to a few people on a night out... they send you a request.  You are tagged, poked and liked to within an inch of your life and everything happens at light speed.  

The key to success within this world I have found, is to be selective in whom you invite to this inner circle of comedy Kodak moments and unfiltered procrastination.  I never invite/accept someone I'm dating, I'm careful with work type people, and as for Katie who used to live next door to you when you were seven who suddenly popped up and sent you a request... Accept, wait a day or two and then delete.  Trust me, Katie only wanted a snoop and won't even notice, you and she have about as much in common these days as a badger and a hedgehog.

The however quandary arises when you meet someone and you decide to become exclusive.  These days everyone is on Facebook and so as sure as chickens lay eggs something at some point will happen that will act as a catalyst to the 'add a friend' reaction.  In my case, it was one of those 'he/she is at the bathroom so I will have a quick peek and see what is going on' in the bar moments that somehow sparked a conversation and abracadabra... 'Ser3ndipity has added you as a friend'.  

Cherry has now been on my Facebook now for a few weeks.  He has essentially been handed an all access backstage pass to the good, the bad, the ugly and if he spent a little time browsing, a pretty concise view of the last five years of my life. I hasten to add here that I have NEVER posted about Mr X or anything to do with my dating/personal life.  Cherry on the other hand... limited.  His Facebook consists of a few photos (perhaps 20-30 compared with the hundreds I have been tagged in over the years), and a few status updates and bits of blurb scattered around.  Don't get me wrong bloggers, I'm not one of these cyber stalker people, but when you 'make friends' on Facebook it is a bit of a given that the first place you will click is the photos section and in this exchange, I drew the short straw.  On a scale of 1-10 in the utilisation of Facebook stakes, it appears I am perhaps a 7, where as Cherry is most definitely a 3.  Don't get me wrong, from conversations, I know he logs in often and has a similar number of friends to me on there, but in terms of his own updates, minimal.  And that brings us to the current dilemma...

When should you update your 'relationship status' on Facebook?

Before you start jumping to teenage conclusions, let me explain why this is something on the radar.  I'm not one of those 'air your dirty laundry' Facebook users, if you have had a crappy day or someone has said something mean to you... keep it to yourself!  Don't go posting 'he said, she said' all over the internet and similarly, don't go updating your relationship status every time you get laid or meet somebody new.  I like gossip as much as the next person but trying to keep track of whether someone is 'in a relationship', 'single' or are 'in a complicated relationship' is exhausting when they seem to change their mind on a monthly, sometimes weekly basis (A particular girl I know springs to mind here who has kept the rest of the world entertained with her yoyo relationship and cheating on/off fiancé for at least the last six months).  I also don't want to hear your RIP messages, see what you ate for your dinner, or hear about 'what a wonderful bf/gf/husband/wife you have'.  Just keep it coming with the comedy gold, witty procrastination, new music, interesting articles; and the occasional update about what is going on in your life.  As for the rest... I can do without it. 

That said, when you meet someone, date a while and then decide to give things a go, there is something to be said for updating things in the cyber world.  It removes the need for that awkward moment in a conversation with one of your close friends when you know you should tell them you're now off the dating band wagon, but it somehow feels like in doing so you are standing on a table doing the whole 'look at me, look at me' thing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that updating your relationship status online wouldn't bring about the same, if not more attention, but it is the equivalent of letting off a fart in an elevator, within seconds and without the need for conversation, everyone knows.  All it takes is one click of the button and you have suddenly made the move from 'Ser3ndipity who dates a lot and runs in the other direction as soon as a guy starts to want commitment' to 'Ser3ndipity girlfriend'.  Simple.  

Reading this back, I can see I haven't really made a great job of explaining why I feel making this move is perhaps an important one for me.  Maybe when all is said and done it is about taking the last step to firmly close the Mr X book and in some weird way, I need that to be almost like a public announcement? 

Either way, I feel like I'm in 'weird ass stalker territory'.  Cherry is clearly a private person and so asking him to make such an update could be something he feels really uneasy about, but just updating my own status without adding the 'with...' part I know will somehow not scratch the itch and so is something I refuse to do.

Who knew meeting someone new would be so complicated.

Kate Miller-Heidke - The Tiger Inside Will Eat The Child
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The Strawberry Theory

Timing.  Life is all about timing.  

Logging online at the right time to find the perfect job just before the closing date, bumping into an old friend on the subway because you left 10mins late for work, forgetting your mobile and returning home only to realise you could have left your hair straighteners on, and of course... Sex.  

I tend to be the kind of girl that makes a guy wait if I'm dating.  Ironic really considering I'm also one to embrace the 21st century world of the FB when emotional commitment goes out the window and pure pleasure is on the cards.  The thing is bloggers, I'm a firm believer in the strawberry theory.  

The Strawberry Theory

You can pick a perfectly ripe looking strawberry, instantly take a bite and be somewhat disappointed.  It looked soft and juicy on the outside, but underneath the red exterior lay a slightly bitter, overly firm bite.  On the other hand, you can pick the same berry, place it in water overnight and the next day bite into the most succulent, sweet mouthful you could imagine.

Sex my bloggers is like a strawberry.
If instant gratification is all you are after, firm and slightly bitter is perfectly acceptable, however if you are going to be eating the fruit often, why not wait a while and ensure you are getting the best.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the strawberry theory, however both Clutz and Mr X from the first date waited two and three months respectively.  So you see bloggers, it would have been crazy to take such a tried and tested successful measure and ignore it with Cherry.  Although after several heated dates, a heap of hot texts and a post date 'night cap' last weekend, I quickly decided that six weeks was perfectly acceptable.

My parting thought for tonight's blog entry... Yowzer I have missed sex!

Joshua Radin - You Got What I Need
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Strawberry Sweet Street

Well bloggers, I didn't talk the talk and fail to walk the walk.  Saturday was D-Day for Cherry and I, and you will be pleased to hear that I approached the situation head on.

It was freezing outside so Cherry picked me up at my flat and we headed out for drinks.  It was a little bizzare when he arrived as I wasn't quite ready and he was almost blue from the walk to my appartment from the train station, so the whole hug/kiss thing... Didn't really happen.  On our way to the first bar Cherry stayed with his gentleman like gestures and continued to walk on the road side, the conversation flowed easily and we both seemed at ease.  

As the night progressed and the wine/beers flowed so did the conversation.  It was interesting, flirty, relaxed and so when the night was drawing to an end and the bar was beginning to quieten with beginning to move on in search of a club; when my friend text to check in a location with me from a first date she was on, I decided it was as good of time as any.  'Curve Ball Alert'!  I told Cherry who the text was from which prompted him to ask a couple of questions, and in turn allowed me to drop the clanger... Where next?!

I told Cherry that I had been having fun on our dates but as I was also dating other people and I imagined (knew) that he would also be talking to others (he had already told me he wasn't meeting anyone else in person) that we had kind of hit a bit of a sticking point.  I explained that I felt we had a lot of sexual chemistry going on and that while I didn't want to make the situation difficult or rushed (I'm not looking to rush into anything major), I was also sure that we were at a point where we needed to make a decision as to where we wanted things to go.  I didn't state the obvious of 'I am pretty sure sometime soon we are going to be hooking up and I'm not naive enough to go in that direction without exclusivity or a mutual understanding' but when he met the curve ball from left field with a smile and a few words of intrigue, I  embraced 21st Century Girl honesty in true Ser3ndipity style... I Laid it out on a plate.

Cherry was left with a decision to make, and the exceptionally cheeky smile that appeared on his face told me that he understood there was no wrong answer but like a kid in a sweet shop, he could only choose one:

• We embrace the sexual tension, roll with it, have some fun.  Have a little more fun if we feel the need for a few repeat performances but we tie the whole thing up in a FB bow. No commitment, no leaning on each other.  Just fun, a few drinks from time to time and the understanding that should either of us enter sexual territory with anyone else, we call time immediately.
• We decide that we have stumbled upon something pursuing and we put dating/emailing other people to one side, embrace exclusivity and see where it goes... If it goes well we think about the bf/gf thing.  All under the proviso that if that is the direction chosen sex is like a strawberry... the longer you wait the sweeter it tastes

Cherry's face was a picture and I was pretty confident when I had spelled it all out that he was going to embrace the path of the FB as I saw his eyes light up a little at it's suggestion, but he pretty much threw a curve ball of his own.  So hot off the press...

I am, as of Saturday exclusively dating Cherry and he called me on the 'if it all goes well' thing and so we are skipping a step.  Cherry is now officially my boyfriend.

Skunk Anansie - Headonism
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Weighing Up & Walking Away

Sometimes in life there comes a point where riding out a situation to see 'what if' might be the easy option, but isn't the option you should take.

Cherry has been in touch daily since our last date and things have fallen both sides of the dating tightrope as regular chat has been spattered with a few heated conversations and couple of really 'get to know you' moments.  The thing is bloggers, it has been almost two weeks since we have met in person as last week he was learning to drive and there was no suggestion of meeting at the weekend.  Last night he asked me how my plans were looking for the weekend and shortly after asked if I would like to meet for drinks on Saturday night. The thing is, I'm pretty certain that we are now at the point where we either jump in with both feet give it a go or chalk it up to one of those encounters that just doesn't quite click into place.

Among our conversations this last couple of weeks we had some honest dialogue about the fact I have been dating a few people and Cherry tends to only date one person at a time.  He didn't however intimate at the time that he was looking for this to change and I know from being online myself that he has equally been logging in whether he is dating other people or not.  Don't get me wrong bloggers, I absolutely think that dating should be something that sees people weigh up all the options and so while I opt to do this in person and Cherry appears to be conversing via email, it can't be one rule for me and another for him.  

I do feel however that we are at a bit of a stop zone in terms of where I am happy to go from here.  Sexual chemistry wise, we clearly both click but as I'm the kind of girl who is either embracing the FB experience or playing it slow and taking my time in a relationship, we are definitely at the point where things need to be defined.  In an ideal world I think I would like to give things a go and see where that takes us.  I'm not sure Cherry is the guy for me in the long term, but I think there is enough there both sexually and personality wise to warrant taking things to the next stage. 

The dilemma here bloggers is if Cherry is in the same place... He is definitely more of a 'see how it goes' guy, and while I'm ok with that to a certain extent I'm not willing to put myself into a position where I'm getting intimate with a guy physically and/or emotionally when I'm not sure of the context.

So Saturday night is snap decision night.  I will see how I feel when I see him, how he greets me, how the night goes and as we say goodbye, if there is still no context about where we are going, I think I will call time.   I'm a firm believer that if a guy wants to date you, he will make it happen, so no intimation of the direction is just as powerful a gesture for me.

I will let you know how it goes.

Creed - My Sacrifice
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Staring At The Stars

I had initially logged in today to give you an update on where things are with me, however I was met with a new comment on the final posting of the blog prior to this one that kinda made me stop and take note.

It seems by bumbling through life and spilling the beans about how I'm feeling and where I'm going to try and go next I seem to have helped a few people along the way.  I've had a few comments over the years on a few of the postings and a couple of you have even sent me the odd email but I guess it is  always just really nice to hear that you might have helped someone along the way. 

Life can be one seriously daunting experience at times, like a never ending hill or walking a tightrope above a vat of syrup but when things fall into place... there's no better feeling.  You've got to take the lows so you really appreciate the high's right?

Things going on with me at the moment:  Mr X back in touch as he is having a difficult time with work and needs an ear.  OOJ disappearing again despite recent conversations.  Pooch pushing me to meet him for cocktails next weekend at his flat which were meant to be as friends before his recent revelations.  Work boring me and stealing a little piece of my soul everyday that I'm not in something new and doing something that I love.  Cherry firmly on the radar but making no motion to commit or even organise another date so perhaps about to fall into the 'season' category of my dad's 'Reason a Season or a Lifetime' theory.  My bank balance at breaking point and a car that still won't start.  Hair that is currently goth black due to the terrible colour advice of a friend who shall never again be called upon in that capacity.  A chest infection that is seriously stinting my tough mudder training.  Accountant, Solicitor and Older guy back on the scene and asking for dates.  Mum on good form for the first time in a long time.  Music making an epic return into my life as the antidote to difficult times.

In the words of Oscar Wilde "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

Ross Copperman - Holding On, Letting Go

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The Good, The Bad, The Insane

The last few days can most definitely be split into the below three categories.  I'm not going to give much of an intro to this one and I might even spare you a few details, but I think you should just give me this one...  Lets flip it and start from worst to best.

The Insane

• Being convinced by Cilla that texting Cherry to have the 'exclusive dating' convo was a good idea because things had heated up and I had a few dates lined up that she thought I should cancel.
• Actually listening to Cilla and taking this idea on board... Thank goodness  in person I come across as pretty balanced as I am NEVER having that conversation via text again - what was I thinking?!!?
• Pooch texting to ask me to go for drinks at his new place (post the Pooch-Waves split-up)  This might have made it into the 'good' category if it hadn't been met shortly after my acceptence with Pooch confessing his not-so hidden attraction to me and making several comments on my ass and how hot my eyes are.  Eewweee
• OOJ throwing 101 things into the mix  including telling me he thinks he still might have love-type feelings for me and then falling off the planet for all intents and purposes again.  What is with that guy?!?

The Bad

• Discovering that Cherry isn't multi-dating as he can 'only handle one girl at a time' and in doing so realising that I look like a total 'good-time-girl' eek.
• Cherry failing to tell me that he would like me to going on dates with just him.  This was a 'I'm not seeing other people but if there is someone that you meet and want to go on a date with I wouldn't want to stop you' accompanied with an 'I'm not sure how I feel yet'.  Double eek.
• The fact I seem to have turned into the more keen party here... Seriously!?! Unimpressed.
• My hair straighteners breaking leaving me with borderline Toblerone hair.
• Updating my iPhone to iOS 6.2.1 and it turning both my phone and then shortly after a sync my iTunes account into nothing more than a brick and a blank screen.
• My car... Totally broken and I am all out of ideas as to why *sniff
• Major chest infection meaning I've done absolutely zero training for tough mudder this last week and can't see any training going ahead for at least another 3/4days.

The Good

• Cherry somehow despite the very confusing text exchange that left me feeling more confused at the end than the start upping the ante on calling me 'cute, a sweetheart, pretty, gorgeous, smart, intelligent' and adding kisses to the end of more messages than previous.
• Discovering the line-up to the Leeds/Reading Festival this year and realising that I absolutely am going to ditch Download and step over to the 'commercial' side this year (This could later become 'bad' if I don't find someone to come with me.
• Finding the perfect bridesmaid dress online and having Clio agree that we would both look awesome in it should Herb like one of the available colours.
• Tune swapping with Cherry - the boy has some seriously eclectic taste in music and a liking for the acoustic.  Always good to get a few additional tunes on the play list.

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

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Operation Kate Hudson

It seems Cherry is allergic to my cats.  I'm not sure why this is something that hadn't kicked in on the Friday, but within 10mins of arriving on Sunday he was sneezing, had a runny nose and shortly after, super red eyes.  A couple of antihistamine tablets later he said he was feeling ok, but his eyes were still itchy yesterday so I'm guessing we may have hit a bit of a speed bump.  My apartment isn't particularly cat-like and people with allergies have visited before and have barely had the sniffles so his reaction was rather extreme for someone who hadn't thought they were allergic to animals.  I can't think what else it could have been though. 

The date on Sunday night was all about the low key and saw the beginning of a phase I like to refer to as 'Operation Kate Hudson'.  With inspiration and a couple of ideas gleaned from the movie 'How to lose a guy in 10 days', experience and wicked sense of humour has seen me take this approach on a number of occasions when I am thinking I might want to make the step from dating into exclusivity.  Let me fill you in...

As much as I would like to live in the land of the fairytale, the reality is that people are complicated and life is adept at throwing a curve ball.  You can meet someone you think is the guy of your dreams and then 6 months later when you have invested time & energy something comes along and we girls seem to be surprised that we hadn't noticed before that we were 'a glorified booty call', 'a support mechanism', 'always going to come second to his friends', 'will be hated by his parents', 'have fallen for someone who can't handle you on a day when the crazy kicks in' and so why not cut to the chase and get a real feel for the potential future man in your life by throwing a few curve balls of your own into the mix before you commit.  

In the movie Kate Hudson's character puts a guy to the test in a myriad of ways, most unrealistic in the real world (If you are curious click here) and despite her efforts Matthew McConaughey's character falls madly in love with her.  I'm not saying this is the ultimate goal, but it's got to be a bonus to work out a few of the big things early on right? I say embrace the premise and test the waters of compatibility early on.  There isn't really a play by play method to this as everyone is different, but for the purposes of the blog let me try and give you a little more insight...

1.  The Girl Next Door 

When you first start dating someone it is easy to fall into a trap that sees you months down the line wearing make-up to bed (despite the fact it ruins your skin) and sneaking to the bathroom first thing in the morning to re-apply the 'natural look'.  Don't do it! 

Yes, first impressions are important and there might be an occasion where mount Vesuvius is about to erupt on your chin and you want to lessen the blow but come on!  Do you really want to set an unrealistic expectation?  My advice... Take the plunge from Glamourpuss to Girl next door as quickly as possible as soon as you sense there might be potential.  Organise a night in or something outdoors that sees you ditch the eyeliner, lipgloss, foundation, false nails/eyelashes and perfectly tousled hair for a smidgen of tinted moisturiser, a relaxed up-do and a touch of vaseline (I'm not completely insane... kissable lips are always a must).  

And remember!  This is about the entire look so off with the heels and the high 'fashion' clothing and in with the converse, comfy jeans and that crazy old jumper you refuse to throw out despite the fact it's all bent out of shape.

If he is truly into you...  He will notice, but he won't care.  If you believe the surveys in the back of those trashy magazines he might ever prefer you like this (I'm not sure I am completely sold on that one however).

2.  Let the crazy out

You know those little neurotic-ism's that make you you?  Well why not throw a few of them out there.  Best find out now if he is going to stick around when you are juggling 101 things and the crazy comes out to play.  Pretend all you like girls... level headed goes out the window when our hormones kick in.  I don't buy into this 'time of the month' crazy b*atch thing, but there are times when I've practically observed myself losing the plot and have been unable to pull myself back.

I tend to bring quite a lot to to the table in this category and while I don't think I'm the most neurotic person in the world, better out than in!  Check list for outing the fact I have what is verging on OCD when it comes to my dental care regime (cue disclosure of the handbag toothbrush and imported toothpaste requirements).  Getting my sing on in the car or shower when my potential is in the vicinity is also a must.  Lets also not forget to introduce my extreme phobia of spiders and refusal to stay in the same room as anyone while they consume a runny or fried egg.  

3.  Scheduling

I'm all for keeping your independence when in a relationship.  It keeps things fresh, interesting and seems to steer things away from monotony.  However, there will come a time when something crops up last minute or you receive an invite to an event you really don't want to go to alone if your diaries will clash, and I for one would like to think that on such an occasion the guy in your life will step up but why play the 'wait and see' game when you can so readily see how this would pan out.

Will he meet you for a 5th or 6th date on a Friday because it is the only night you are available even though he usually goes out with the boys?  Can he skip rugby training this week because you just managed to get tickets to that gig you told him about last minute?  Test, test, test.

However, remember girls... this one is about give and take.  There will come a time when you might need forgo date night for a sports match or poker night and will need to practice your best smile so by testing the theory... You already owe him one :p

4.  The Big 4

This is a tricky one.  Most people already have an idea if they want to get married, have kids, relocate, Invest/Spend by the time they hit their mid 20s and for the most part, these desires rarely change.  So why wait until you are a year down the line to start having the big conversations?

I'm not saying these subjects are easy to approach at any time, but surely right at the start is better than realising a year or so down the line the guy you wanted to marry, move to the suburbs and have kids with is someone who  wants to relocate, embrace city life and has no desire to 'put a ring on it' or vice versa  I mean where do you go from there?

Over the years I've become a master at gleaning the information required in these categories early on while avoiding the 'deer in the headlights' look.  Embrace the random question game 'would you rather...'  throw in some nonsensical ones and then hit him with it left field.  Trust me, he won't see the agenda and it will give you an opportunity to let him know what you are thinking at the same time.

There are a few more but I think this blog is big enough for one day :p

Incidentally, Cherry was met with a couple of tasters from 1,2 & 4 during his visit this weekend and passed with flying colours.  I had to giggle that the first thing two of my friends (Balloo and Cilla) said when I mentioned that he was coming over was 'Are you going to hide some of your toothbrushes' lmao. I didn't.

MYMP - I Think I'm Falling
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