My life has gone horribly wrong. Things couldn't be on the downturn anymore if they tried.
Despite applying for 387 jobs and counting and having attended in excess of 60 interviews at various stages, this morning I opened the mail and received 2 more 'unsuccessful' responses and keeping me at 0 offers. Positive thinking can only carry you so far before you being to question your very ability and once that happens of course you are going to be useless.
I thought I was one more rejection away from popping when I interviewed for a position this last Monday. I fell in love with the company over the course of interviews and was certain that I had sold myself as well as possible at the final stage. Yet... I opened a crisp white envelope this morning telling me yet again that I have somehow fallen short of the grade.
I haven't blogged in a while as I felt with health things and boy things and job things... THINGS! I really needed to concentrate on lining my ducks up, but it appears that concentrating my efforts in a productive manner hasn't aided me one iota and so I quit.
I quit being stressed, I quit getting my hopes up when I make it to the final stage for the 30th time, and I quit thinking that I'm a good person and so something is waiting for me around the corner. That student loan I can't afford to pay back will just have to wait. The student overdraft that has now become a noose around my head charging me £1 a day to be sat in it with no escape and the pending knowledge that my non existent credit score (you don't get credit if you have never borrowed) is about to be crushed into nothingness as the debt gets passed elsewhere... well... There is fuck all I can do about it and so why let it make me sick.
This last 7 days worrying and stressing in between applying for things. I've number crunched, applied, interviewed, presented, chased up, schmoozed, number crunched some more and there are no two ways about it. My rent bills and council tax are higher than my in-comings. I can't get a job either permanent or temporary despite my skills and my consistent chasing up of agencies and applications online and in person (yes I have walked round places) and despite the fact I felt that things in life this disastrous only really happened to 'other people' who really didn't want to work and contribute to society anyway. It appears. I am about to get a giant spoon of reality.
In 22 days I shall be homeless. Let that sink in.
Homeless. Me. A 20 something year old with skills and a want to work.
Jobless. Penniless. Homeless. Hopeless. Helpless. Fuck.
I can't afford my rent/bills and moving out of this place means applying for another with no income is impossible through any agency or private letting person. Council properties aren't available to me as there are waiting lists and I'm not considered a 'priority' and while there are a few couches I could surf, I am not going to put myself in a position where I am a burden to any of my friends. The saving grace here is that mum is financially stable and won't be affected by it all.
So no. Today and quite possibly tomorrow I shall be getting my head out of this awful awful place and try and think of a creative solution to my problems. Surely there has to be work out there for someone who wants to work. Overqualified and Under qualified seems to be kicking the crap outta me at the moment but there must be a work around. I'm a smart girl and this entire disaster must be avoidable. Yes. I just need to work out what I've missed.
Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
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The breast clinic was really a serious reality check, everything seems so innocent until you open those double doors and are met with a sea of women looking rather pale and wearing hats. There was something really humbling sat there looking around. Not because these women are sick, but because they are clearly despite this still part of the grind. Business suits and damp from the rain, all day bus passes and exhausted wind swept faces. Life hasn't stopped and they just need to keep on keeping on. I've been given the thumbs up until my next check-in just after my birthday in Feb. Happy days.
The doctor however was professional to a fault and despite having what I think I saw was a silent chuckle to herself she assured me that she was ok and that she would normally ask someone to cough as she removes the iud but on this circumstance she was just going to request that I clear my throat as with my exceptionally strong pelvic floor muscles she didn't want to risk (and I quote) "Losing an eye". Holy Crap!
I remember in my late teens watching people get into serious relationships and wondering what they were thinking, they were too young, they hadn't lived enough and why wouldn't they want to sample all the beauty there is on offer before tying themselves down. A few fell in and out of love and I myself found Clutz who stole my heart; for a few years at least. There are a few that have made it, taken young love and have married and settled down with kids. Do I envy them... not really. They gave up life's rich pastures too young I think.
Fast forward to your late 20s and all of a sudden being single isn't as simple anymore. Most of your friends are in relationships and you suddenly become the source of their 'juicy gossip', who you are dating, who you kissed, what it feels like to be free as a bird. Compare and contrast and it is a bitter sweet pill you swallow but one you embrace with a deep breath knowing that unlike some in this phase... you were asked and you had offers but none of them were right and you refuse to settle.
